i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
