I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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