I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
