I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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