i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
