I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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