haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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