my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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