totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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