put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
