I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
