It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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