When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
