Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
