I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
