Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
