Farmville is her only friend.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
