I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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