come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
