Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
