It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
