if you like me you must not know who I am
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
