He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator