I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?