On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.