i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
