Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
