i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
