So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
