Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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