I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
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