DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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