I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
