My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just invented taco cereal.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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