You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
