Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
