I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
