If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He passed out mid-signature
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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