FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
i think i just lost a toe
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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