She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
