dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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