Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
