you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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