I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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