They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
