How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
