so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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