Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
