Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
