she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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