We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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