I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
