if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
