i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I deserve this hangover.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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