He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...