Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.