im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
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I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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