if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
