I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
