Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
