Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
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It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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