Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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